Asteroids: The Movie. No, I’m serious.. stop laughing!. I’m super cereal!!1July 25, 2009
Ok… *sigh*.. I can see some games getting the movie treatment, no matter how badly it’s done, I still commend at least the competent writers and directors. Games have come out with fantastic stories and writing that rival some of the best movies. So the want to re-create that story for people who don’t play games is genuine.
But honestly?.. a movie about Asteroids?. In the timeless words of the Mayor of Imaginationland… “THAT’S FUCKING STUPID!”
Here are my problems with this.. first, there are an endless amount of movies in space already in space. So if you’re going to do a game, do one that isn’t set in a place that has been done a million times over. number 2 (like this idea for a movie) there is SO little to pull from this game in terms of resources from this game that anything, and I mean ANYTHING you create instantly removes it from it’s source. as soon as you apply a story.. it’s not asteroids the game anymore.. it’s “hollywood moneygrab number 40,120” This whole idea is so stupid.
But somehow, Lornezo di Bonaventura, The ass-hat producer that brought you such crap as The Mummy, and The Mummy again, or whatever.. and who will rape your eyeballs with the soon to be worst movie ever G.I.Joe, is also producing this nugget of joy. in an interview with IGN.com he said something like.
“Blah blah blah, this is all a big joke about 2 brothers who have sex with eachother and they do it in space and dodge rocks and it’s deep meaningful movie that is basically Brokeback Mountain in space.”
I might be paraphrasing just a little, but… there is no justification for such a dumb idea.. you can read the actual interview by hitting the link above.
While we are at it, lets band out a script for Tetris and Pong. ok Pong. 2 brothers, coping with the death of there parents in a train accident both take different paths in life. One becomes a riot officer, the other a shield holder for a revolutionary group. in there struggle to find themselves they are thrust together in an afford to do what they think is right. the final scene involves them bouncing a single bomb back and forth until it gets past and blows up. there!
Tetris now. In a world of conformity and an overall goal to be “complete”. one man stands alone in an attempt to show the world that having missing bits and “holes” is ok, and sometimes you have to sacrifice being complete just to get by. There we go. easy shit.